9 months.

9 LONG months. At this point, Quincy doesn't remember anything but fighting cancer. Which I guess is a good thing. To her, this is normal. While that breaks my heart, I'm also grateful that she handles it so well and most likely won't remember this when she's older. Josie asked me the other day how long Quincy had cancer for. I said that was a great question, I'll never know how long it was in her body before we caught it. She actually got a little teary eyed and said, "I just don't remember what she was like without cancer" and that really broke my heart. Our focus has been a lot on Quincy obviously and we have tried to also focus on Jos but she's right, she doesn't remember her sister cancer free. That's tough. Just another reason why this disease is so awful. Josie doesn't say much, which at times I know both Tom and I wished she showed a little bit more compassion but it's times like that where I realize that she doesn't know what the hell is going on and im sure her little brain is trying to protect her!

Anyways, Quincy has officially entered the "maintenance" phase of her treatment plan. Hallelujah. I remember when we first started discussing the plan, I kept thinking "maintenance is like right around the corner" but that was silly of me because I didnt understand ALL the phases. But now we're here! Im so grateful but I can't help but feel anxious. It's only ONE in clinic appointment a month to get labs drawn. That's scary, the thought of them not checking her 1x/ week or every 10 days is a bit nerve wracking. At our last visit we heard a family celebrating the end of treatment with the ringing of the bell. It was kind of a lot for me. I've seen this bell every time we've entered the clinic. It kind of haunts me because it's so black and white. You either ring it or you don't. That brings up a lot of thoughts, mainly because I don't understand why this is happening. Why did Quincy get cancer? Why does any child have cancer? What is the point of that? I get really mad at God sometimes and then I get scared for being mad at him because I don't want my anger towards him to punish my family. I vividly remember having a conversation with Tommy, Joey, and Shannon one time probably 2 years ago. There was a child they knew with many ailments and we were all just like why? And I think Joey and I were kind of on the same page like if something ever happened to one of our kids or our spouse, we're out. Like we're done with God. That conversation really upsets me because I feel like I tested him. But I also know, he's helped Quincy get here. And I just pray that he continues having her back. I pray for that more times a day than I can even count. I guess your relationship with God can be messy. If I had to put a label on it, I guess I'd say, "It's complicated"

I'm not really sure why I decided to do this post. But here I am, just my normal "afternoon while the kids nap cry sesh" but today I sprinkled in a little blog post 🤷‍♀️